“Just go to her and say hello”.
“Because I’m afraid”,
“Of saying hello?”
“Not of saying hello. Hellos are wonderful.
They lead to adventures and memories.”
“Then what is it?”
“Because every single hello inevitably turns into a
Heart breaking goodbye”.
“And I am tired of saying goodbye”.
There is a general belief that hellos are packed with happiness and positivity and goodbyes are painful and sad. The word goodbye actually means “I will miss you until we meet again”.
Day by day in life, we meet people relate, bond, get along, differ at times and there is a time to part too. There are some who are reluctant to say a hello and bond with and to bid bye in a healthy way. We often wonder what would be the reason behind a rebellious subordinate or an anxious boss or an avoiding team mate. Also there are quite a few who are stable and grounded. We might conclude ”It’s the attitude” or “It’s her nature”.
The concept of parent and infant attachment type can give clarity to such patterns of behaviours. As an infant each person gets attached to their caregiver who is a secure base and with them it is the first ever hello to the world. The infant considers the caregiver as a secure base to depend, grow and explore the environment. When the caregiver is not available the infant experiences separation anxiety and manages to calm down with the belief that the caregiver will be there at the time of need.
The infant’s attachment is co created by the responses of the caregiver. The comfort and the availability of the caregiver create the trust and a feeling of belonging to the infant. This healthy bond initiates the self worth and courage to relate with people around in the adult life also. Such infants grow up to be adults who are comfortable and functional in communication and get along with people around. They are functionally active in professional and personal lives. They accept and believe hellos and good byes are part of life.
The infants who were not attended, cared by the caregiver (this might be infant’s limited belief also) feels insecure, anxious and fearful. They experience separation anxiety when the caregiver is physically not available and copes up with the strategies of demands and persuasion. When they grow up they choose to differ, cross up, avoid, etc., while relating with people around. They are uncomfortable to initiate a conversation or friendship. They mostly end relationships and acquaintances abruptly or choose to bid bye with bitter notes.
As adults they believe that the world is unsafe, people around are not trustworthy. They exhibit demands and rebel, tend to pick up frequent quarrels with the peers and even when left a job tend to bully the former higher officials or peers. The resistance to bid goodbye and give a healthy closure becomes a part of the adult personality. The professional life turns to be a disaster for self and people around. This pattern is observed in the personal life also. Such personalities fail in relationships end up in divorce and break ups. However if the person is ready to introspect and process, he/she can become aware. As an adult he/she has the capability to look for better options, decide and take positive steps.
The infant when becomes an adult can accept, revisit the past, process the limiting belief for good so that hellos and goodbyes can be dealt with equanimity.